It's gotten better and that opening sound bite is a better choice. I think the story as a whole makes sense. Again, I still don't see any customers in here which I really think you should have gotten. I know time was running down and I hoped you would have been able to get at least one or two in there this past weekend. Without that you'll have to make do with what you have which is ok....but this could have been better. Reword your ending VO so that you don't use the word "business" twice in the same sentence. Looking forward to seeing the video!
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.